i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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