i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
