I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
