There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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