Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
we're making bets on your personal life
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
