I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
