You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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