he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
