I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
