Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
