So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
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