I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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