apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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