He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
