checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
