??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
