He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
