Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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