I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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