i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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