you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
