As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
