your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Green mimosas i think yes
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
