at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
