He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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