the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
