I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
