happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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