I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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