He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
