so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize