Can i not drive my cunt home
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
