I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
