i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
