I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
