he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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