his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
