i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
