a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
