I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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