The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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