we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
