Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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