watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
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