My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
zippers are such a cool invention
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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