It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
