Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
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She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
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We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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