I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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