I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
