I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How's work?
Spinning.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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