I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you will always have a special place in my vag
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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