I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Girls should come with a carfax report
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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