I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
