Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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