I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This baby is an asshole
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
