The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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