So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
