I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
