Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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