my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
