You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
