If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
