Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
