I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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