Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
